storms.

Ever ran in the rain? Well I did tonight... but not by choice. It's one thing to go for a jog during a spring shower. It's a whole new ball game late-January in Knoxville. It had been raining all day but there was finally a break in the weather so I TRIED to take advantage. But Mother Nature and I have not been getting along too well lately... (see my previous post for more on that).

I was more than a mile from my house when the bottom DROPPED and it started to pour. It was dark. Cold. Windy. And now raining. Plus I was running UPHILL. (Although when do you ever run downhill in East Tennessee?) Do you think the wind was at least blowing at my back? Nope. Hitting me in the face? Of course.

While I was running uphill into the cold, rainy wind... one of my favorite worship songs started playing on my iPhone. GIVE ME FAITH. Here are some of the lyrics:

I need You to soften my heart

To break me apart.

I need You to open my eyes

To see that You're shaping my life. 

All I am

I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say

That You're good and Your love is great

I'm broken inside, I give You my life

I need You to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need You to pierce through the dark

To cleanse every part of me.

I may be weak

But You're Spirit's strong in me

My flesh may fail

But my God You never will. 

As I continued to trudge through the storm, a passage from Hebrews came to mind...

"Let us fix our eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

[Hebrews 12:2]

I instantly realized that this moment was such an incredible representation of our lives. We're going to encounter storms. They're going to be hard. But we have to fix our eyes upon Jesus. Upon the cross. Do you realize how hard it is to look up when the wind and rain are hitting you in the face? My vision may have been impaired but I wasn't blinded... I knew the direction I needed to go. I knew where I could find warmth and refuge. From the physical rain, it was my house. From the spiritual rain, it was my God. 

short LOOONG weekend.

Well this past weekend was quite the adventure... I might as well start at the beginning:

A Few Weeks Ago: One of my closest friends, Adam Livingston, calls to tell me that he and his beautiful fiance, Kelsey Toohey, have decided to move their wedding up from October of 2013 to... you guessed it... last weekend (January 19th). Normally this wouldn't be an issue BUT they live in Texas and the wedding was in Houston. Houston is approximately 14 hours from Knoxville... Have I mentioned that I had the privilege of being a groomsman in the wedding? Well, I did so obviously I was going to be there on their special day! Luckily, I don't have classes on Fridays and this past Monday was a holiday so I had FOUR whole days to work with until...

Thursday: Katie "Ramrod" "BK" Reimold (who I had convinced to go with me by promising her that she could see some of our favorite Texans for the weekend) and I were planning to drive to Nashville for the night and leave SUPER early on Friday to head to Texas. But Mother Nature had another plan...

Friday: Due to the weather (and poor communication within the Education Department at UT) we didn't leave KNOXVILLE until 11am Eastern time. We made a quick stop in Nashville to eat lunch with my family and switch cars with my mama... she was gracious enough to trust me with her Altima :) Well after being in the car for WAY LONGER than desired we arrived in Huntsvegas, Texas! Okay, actually its Huntsville and its pretty much in the middle of nowhere BUT some of our favorite people in the whole wide world live there. I had called our close friends, Kahler and Katy Stone and asked if we could crash on their floor for a few nights, and they were more than happy to host. This is what we arrived to...

Saturday: WEDDING DAY. I spent most of the day getting ready for the wedding and it was SO WORTH IT. The ceremony was one of the best ones I have been to and the reception was an incredible time as well. I was so happy to see old friends and share in Mr. AND MRS. Livingston's special day...

Sunday: We were able to see some friends from camp and it was truly a blessing, despite the fact we only saw them for a couple hours. We did, however, get to spend the entire day with the Stones. If you know me well you know how special this couple is to me. We just met this past summer but the friendships will last a lifetime. I was reunited with my "partner-in-crime" Kahler... oh the stories I could tell (and probably shouldn't). But the picture below is a pretty great one...

Kahler: "I think these are BLACK labs.."

(you can understand the laughter that followed)

Plus I got to spend time with his lovely wife, Katy... who is probably one of my favorite cooks EVER (don't tell my mom or either of my grandmothers). We were WELL FED this weekend, no arguing that! Kahler and I also had dinner with a great friend and mentor that night... the one and only Chase Epps! Such a blessing.

Monday: Return trip.. we got up at FIVE IN THE MORNING to come home... LOOONG DAY.

So our "long" weekend break from school seemed extremely short. We didn't get to see everyone we wanted to or spend as much time as we would've liked but we will take what we can get. Gotta love Te-jas.

nero.

Anyone that knows me well has heard ALOT about a little boy by the name of Dinero... not just the (countless) stories I can share of all the ridiculous, hilarious and (sometimes) cute things he does and says, but of how much this little boy has impacted my life... Well he is on my heart today. BIG TIME. 

"Mista Caylub, tell him my name mean money!"

When I started working for the YMCA After-School Program two and a half years ago, I was placed at an inner-city school in Knoxville. The kids come mostly from single-family households with very limited income and don't have much going for them. Society has already written these little babies off, even at five years old. No one gives them any chance of making something of themselves... But after working with them for years, I know this to be far from the truth. I could write for days about all of the kids I have met through my job and how each one of them (even the "hard to love" ones) have taken a piece of my heart... but I could write for weeks about Dinero.

From the moment I met Dinero and his dad (it was his first day of Kindergarten), I knew we were going to get along just fine. Whether we were throwing the football, racing around the gym, building with Legos, dancing to The Cheetah Girls (don't judge; it was his favorite when he was 5!), working on his homework or just hanging out... our relationship grew.

Did he have behavior problems? Yep. Did it feel like pulling teeth to get him to listen to his teacher and do his work? Oh yeah. But throughout his first couple years of school, he matured ALOT. And my relationship with his dad grew as well... DeMarcus is a single father doing what he can to raise Nero right. He's young and learning but his love for his son is unconditional.

Even though I've been relocated to a different school and I don't see Nero every day, he still impacts my life. It was no coincidence that I was placed at his school so long ago at such a critical time for both of us. I still talk to his dad regularly to check on him; I visit when I can; I even attend his pee-wee football games. (They finished 2nd this year in Knox County... Go Roadrunners!) These times have been better training for parenthood than anything else I could imagine.

Do I impact Dinero and DeMarcus in a positive way? I think so. Will they continue to be a part of my life for years to come? I hope so. Has Nero taught me just as much as I have taught him? I know so. 

new year.

The end of the year is supposed to be a time of reflection and a time for looking ahead (or so I’ve been told). As my last semester of college quickly approaches, it’s time to start thinking (pretty hard) about what the next step is for me, right? I mean that’s what society tells me anyway. (Now I could go into a whole other topic about how the world we live in forces us to look at life in a “next step” kind of way: high school then college then real job then marriage then kids, etc. but I’ll save that for another day). So let’s play along for now and begin to think about where I’m headed after graduation on May 11, 2013:

I have options. A lot of options. This is both a blessing and a curse. Why? Well, I have four, five or even six different directions I can go in. Some near. Some far. Some pay well. Some don’t. Some I would enjoy. Others I probably wouldn’t... So how am I supposed to determine which direction to go?

Where the LORD is leading.

Because you know what? Everyone (I repeat, EVERYONE) has an opinion of what I should do. Family. Friends. Potential employers. Myself. And it’s really difficult to determine the voice of the Lord amongst so many others. I’m not gonna lie… I’ve been really frustrated the last couple of months because I felt that I was being pulled in so many different ways.

But the Lord has begun to change my outlook. Think of it this way: Isn’t it a blessing that I have SO MANY people in my life that care? That ultimately, no matter what I do/where I go/who I’m with that these people will support me…

So that is my reflection for 2012. That’s the direction I am headed in for now: A place of thanksgiving and recognition toward the multitude and diversity of people the Lord has blessed me with:

Some close. Some not. 

Some that I can call and talk sports with. 

Some that I have so much in common with that it’s scary. Some that I can cry with. 

Some that I can not see in six months but pick up right where we left off. 

Some that I can live with. Some that I can be competitive with. 

Some that I can get in a car with and just drive. Some that I can dance with. 

Some that I can be completely honest with. 

And most importantly, some that I can talk JESUS with.

And that’s what I am looking ahead toward. In the coming weeks, a decision will be made... 

Will some rejoice? Yes. 

Will some be upset? Probably. 

Will some be saddened? I’m sure. 

But will they support me? Absolutely.

Relationships will change in the next phase of my life. But am I worried? Nope. They have changed before and the Lord’s blessing has still been on them. Why would I have any reason to think this time is different? 

#nomorespanish

Well. As most (who am I kidding, ALL) of you know, I've been in a six-hour (YES. SIX-HOUR) Spanish class this semester. And for those of you that don't know (which canNOT be many at this point), I'm not exactly great at Spanish. An appropriate term might be... muy mal (I think?).

But. As of yesterday, I AM FINISHED! No, seriously, I'm done. It is statistically impossible for me to fail the class (I spent about a half an hour of my "study" time to figure that out by the way). So it's been a pretty great day or two since finishing that dreadful, life-threatening exam. I've been using the hashtag: #nomorespanish ALOT...

Should I burn these? Shred them? Throw em in the Tennessee River? #nomorespanish

Now. I'm gonna be finishing up my last finals today and headed home (watch out L-Town!). And my attention turns not only to the Christmas season but also to this situation that is hanging over my head...

Where am I headed after graduation in May?

Soon. I hope to know what my destination is. Prayers are greatly appreciated (Ideas, too). My intent is to take a few days and fast from social media, technology, non-critical conversations and even food and just PRAY. READ SCRIPTURE. PRAY (again). READ (more) SCRIPTURE. I can't wait to see what the Lord has to say about all this...

So. As excited as I am for #nomorespanish, I'm even more excited for #nomoreclasses and the Lord's plan for #postgraduation.

identity.

As a college student (well, really as a person in general), there are a lot of things demanding my attention:

School. Work. The BCM. 

Family. Friends (and FRIENDS). TV. 

UT Athletics (I realize that some of you are now laughing). Facebook. Twitter… 

You get the idea.

Now you’re thinking to yourself, “Self. I know exactly where he is headed with this. Something about how all of these things demand his attention and while they might be “good” things, none of them should be the “first” thing. He’s going to say some cliché about how God should be first in our lives and that all of the other things should be secondary.”

Well, while that is very true, it’s not the purpose behind this entry. Here is the question I posed to myself recently:

Where is my identity found?

Sure, the “correct” answer is IN CHRIST… As a believer, saved by the blood of Jesus, my identity is (or should be) found in Him. But is it? Can I honestly say that my EVERYTHING is grounded in a FOUNDATION of Christ? 

Small example: How much time in the last week have I spent on… Twitter/Volquest/ESPN following the UT football coach search? Watching FRIENDS? Hanging out with my actual friends? Surfing the Internet for new shoes? (I need new running shoes for those of you who are Christmas shopping)

On the other hand, how much time have I spent this week… Investing in other believers? Sharing my faith? Digging into His Word? Listening to sermons? Praying?

Now you’re thinking to yourself, “Self. Doesn’t he know that true faith is NOT a checklist of the doing the “right” things? It’s so much bigger than that!”

Well, YES. Of course I know that. However, the question I’m asking might be worded better this way… WHO AM I LIVING FOR? Myself? Or HIM? I’m reminded of my experience as a camp counselor a couple of summers ago. Our theme was IDENTITY. All summer long I relayed to my campers that as believers we are to die to ourselves and become alive in Christ:

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” 

[Galatians 2:20]

Let that sink in. I (and all of my desires/wants/selfishness) have been CRUCIFIED with Christ. In other words, this life is NO LONGER MINE. The life I now live, I live by FAITH. He gave up EVERYTHING for me… what reason do I have not to put Him FIRST?

Every day/hour/minute, I find myself posed with the choice to either continue living for myself or to live for HIM. The way I spend my time. The people I talk to. The music I listen to. The things I fill my mind (and heart) with. And many days my choices look like this: Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. I. I. I. I. I. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself.

It’s a battle. A constant battle. It’s a battle that I will lose every time on my own strength. BUT, there is a sweet reminder that all I have to do is LEAN into Him and He will provide:

“And my God will meet ALL your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” 

[Philippians 4:19]

What an incredible promise to find my IDENTITY in.